a journey in motherhood

Today Elliot asked me for money. I had my hand held out like there might be something in it and he asked me if I had money for him. He continued to request for money for a while and I finally asked him what he wanted money for. I expected something to come out of his mouth like "gum" or "air plane ride" (you know the little toy rides at the store) but that was not on his mind. He pointed to a light switch across the room and said "So I can pay for that light" then added "so it can be on when all the people are gone" oh dear. Yes, we've often explained to him that we don't turn on lights when we don't need to b/c God gives us sunlight and we don't need to spend money on lights in our house until it is dark, that we need to conserve energy and use what we have. Obviously he's noted that the rule goes out the window when company is over and more light is needed.

I've had 3 miscarriages. Two before my son was born, and one after him & before my daughter....each very real and painful losses. I have many many friends and aquaintances who have also lost babies. Yet as the amount of people I know who has miscarried grows, the uniqueness of each loss and the importance of it being recognized as a personal experience is more significant to me. For many reasons it is difficult in our culture to give proper consideration to this type of loss, and each individual responds so differently to it that there is no "one way" to grieve or respond to the griever. However too often I feel that people respond by making little of the loss or passing it off as common and therefore less important. I recently came accross this quote and it struck me as very profound and true, something I wish more people realized:

Miscarriages are labor; miscarriages are birth. To consider them less dishonors the woman who womb has held life, however briefly. The physical pain from miscarriage can be as intense as that of a full-term birth.

All the comfort measures that ease the pain of a laboring woman may help with the physical sensations of miscarriage: heated blankets, hot water bottles, warm baths or position changes. She needs to be held and allowed to cry. She needs someone to acknowledge that her loss is real and powerful. One shouldn't downplay length of gestation or offer biological facts in an attempt to minimize her grief. [Emphasis mine]

— Kathryn Miller Ridiman, excerpted from "Supporting a Mother Whose Pregnancy Has Ended," Midwifery Today

Yep. same night I wrote that about waking early we ended up in the ER & didn't get to bed until 2:00 am. I did not wake at 6:30. On the otherhand, this morning I got up at 5:00 am and my morning has been wonderful, house is cleaned, dishes put away, breakfast set out for the kids, bags packed for the day, showered, make-uped, and rejuvenated from a beautiful quite time with God while watching the sun rise and enjoying the quiet beauty of the morning. I think I may just change that 6:30 am to 6:00 am now that I've seen what a blessing it can be! So as defeated as I felt yesterday I'm more than ever sure today of this new plan. I know there will be ups and downs and the spirit will be more willing than the flesh, but Lord, let me overcome my flesh!

For a long time now I've wanted to wake earlier than the rest of the family. To have time to shower, dress and have a cup of coffee before it's 3:00 in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas. Not only that, but to have time to spend with God, reading his word, praying and reflecting...in the calm quiet of the morning hours. I know my husband would like it too, I could get him some toast or something, but also have a few minutes to say hi & I love you rather than mumbling from under my covers as he goes out the door. I think my children will benefit too, as any time quietly away from them usually makes me a better mom when I'm with them. So my plan is starting tomorrow I will wake each morning at 6:30 a.m. YIKES. This isn't the first time I've tried it ... but I'm determined to try again. That's partly why I'm writing it here and telling friends - really if you think of it PRAY for me to be able to do this. That also means that I want to do what I can to be asleep by 10:30 most evenings. I know that will have to be flexible, but it's a goal. BUT my wake time will not be determined by my bed time. 6:30 NO MATTER WHAT. It is realistic - afterall for four years I was on a bus to LA at 5:30am. I'm trying to think about it in the terms of: this is when my job starts. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

This was posted on a group I belong to, I thought it was great & had to share...

Sometimes I feel like others look at me and
think "shes just a mom, nothing special" Even though I know in my
heart thats not ture. So this is to all the JUST A MOMS out there (enjoy)

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk Office
Was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is" explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are
you just a......?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
Said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
Same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
Efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,
"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it?
I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and
Looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant
words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
In bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,
"just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research,
[what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole
family)
And already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
And I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it)
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are

More of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
Completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
Testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished
and indispensable to mankind than
"just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations"
And great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more

And nothing but happiness comes through your door!

AMEN!!

Nap time last week was particularly rough and through the weekend it got worse. Friday I didn't have a minute to myself as Elizabeth didn't take a morning nap and that meant that they slept at different times. When I don't get those couple hours when they are sleeping to myself to clean up or read or rest it makes for a tough afternoon. My patience is tried, I feel tired and frusterated. That, and Libby is so mobile that when they are both awake I have to be giving 100% attention to keep them out of trouble. Then Sundays are always tough for naps b/c we get home late from church & by the time they go down they're over tired and sometimes don't sleep at all. As you can see in the pic below, Elliot did just that today.


The entire room was covered in baby powder (Fortunately for our lungs it was the cornstarch kind, not talc). It took us quite a while to figure out how to even clean it up. At least he was a hilarious sight and we were able to laugh about it so the 45 minutes devoted to vacuming, wiping, changing sheets, blankets, pillows, etc. was made less annoying by our amusement. The baby powder has been in a cubbard that he's had access to for months and it never crossed my mind, I'm usually good about keeping things way out of his reach. You can bet I'll be even better at it from now on.

Today I found out the very best news I possibly could have recieved. Times 2!! My very dear friend found out that after 4.5 years of trying to concieve they are FINALLY pregnant, and my other dear friend found out that they get to adopt their little boy afterall. 

There was a time in my life after losing two pregnancies I had many doubts and wonders about ever becoming a mother. Would God have me be childless? The thought was too much to even handle, it left me breathless in agony. How many more times have these women might have wondered the same? How much longer have they had to wait on God for his answer? How much more then will they even value motherhood? They are both going to be amazing mothers. These children who are right now in a womb, are incredibly blessed. Their parents love them beyond imagination - but what is more, they love Jesus. And their lives are a testament to it. What they've endured to this point has made them different, more like Jesus, I believe.

Thank You LORD, for your faithfulness, for not forgetting us even when we feel forgotten, for listening to us when we ask for the same thing over and over and over and over again. Thank you God for blessing these couples with a child of their own. I lift them up, God make them the parents you want them to be, use them and their children to bring glory to Your Holy Name. Praise You!!!

As opposed to fear-based. Grace-Based Parenting. The single best book on parenting I've ever read. Nothing about the minute details of dealing with specific discipline issues, or potty training, or anything like that. Instead an overall mindset of parenting our children the way God parents us. With grace. Meeting their needs for security, significance and strength with Love, Purpose, and Hope. Giving them the freedoms to be different, vulnerable, candid and to make mistakes. Much of it was afirming, some of it was challenging - all of it opened my eyes to how my heavenly father gives me grace. I was convicted of a lot of things in my heart, both relating to my parenting and not. I felt like it opened up my eyes to the truth about what God's grace does for me and how I am in turn to live out a life of Grace towards others. It also challenged my faith - in a way that said - walk the talk, be a doer, not just a hearer, if you believe it - live it! It encouraged me and gave me a lot of confidence to raise my children in any enviroment, because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. If you love God and love your kids, this is a must read.  Here is the authors site. I can't wait to read other books by him.

Who knew? I just love my new ipod. I spent two entire days loading over 200 albums onto it. 21 days worth of stuff, and only took up 10GB of the 80 that i have! I had $70 in itunes gift cards too so I got to buy some fun stuff. The Wicked soundtrack being my favorite. I also downloaded 15 different seminary courses from Reformed Theological Seminary and plan to add the whole Bible when I decide to tackle all those CD's. When Charlie got his a while ago I thought I'd never want one since I don't really consider myself that "into" music. I've proved myself wrong, everyone should have one of these things. well I'm probably the last person to figure that out.

My lovely big front loading washing machine has been acting up lately. It's only a year old and I recently declined the extended warranty so I've found this very frusterating. I did what I often do when confronted with a problem, I tried to ignore it...until I couldn't anymore. In fact, I tried so hard that there has been a 1/2 washed load of dirty diapers in my machine for 2 days now. Dreading having to call and pay someone to fix it for us I got Charlie involved and we decided to see if we couldn't figure things out. I can't count the number of times I've thanked the Lord for placing my life in this period of time all for the internet. That's where we found our help. The lovely posters at www.fixya.com had the solution and it worked. Now we're waiting for the washer & floor to dry of the nasty smelly water that drained ALL OVER before I can finish my 2 day old dirty diapers. Don't worry, I'll be washing them a few extra times at least. I'm just grateful to have avoided the cost of a service repair, and I feel so empowered like I could fix anything now. loveit.

In the last month I've had 2 flat tires. Totally flat. The first was when we pulled out of the garage on our way to church, got 1/2 way down the street and realized we had a problem. Large screw right in the middle of the tire. So we had to pile out and cram into the truck & deal w/ the flat later. Which was actually rather painless, as Sams Club fixed it for free. We didn't even buy the tire there - sweet huh? So we went back there yesterday b/c this time I had a flat when I came out of the Dr.'s office. Though I'm sure I caused the leak when I hit the bricks while trying to avoid hitting Charlie's truck when I was pulling out of the driveway. (I've hit the truck before and this was a better option!) Anyway, thank you Toyota for giving me a spare that is exactly the same as my regular tires b/c no one seems to have the right kind in stock right now, but once again, Sams helped us install the spare for free, and even advised we buy a spare elsewhere b/c it would be cheaper.

Before the the flat incidents we had another close call. We all went out to the car only to find it completely dead. This caused more anxiety than the usual, oh we just have to jump it annoyance, because we own a hybrid. Who knows what you do to get a hybrid engine recharged? We do now. And it happens to be the exact same way you do with a regular car. Jump it. phew! Thank you Toyota again. Though we did have to figure out how to get the care out of the garage first - did you know there is a secret gear shift override button? There is. I must admit what you can learn from these annyoing bumps in the road helps make up for the frusteration they cause. Can you tell I'm an optimist?