a journey in motherhood

There’s no place like home and while being at Charlie’s parents house had been a blessing, it felt very good to get settled in at home as a family. We could just sit for hours staring at our precious son, each little expression his face makes is a thrill to watch. Charlie got us all unpacked and settled in, letting mom & Elliot rest. A friend brought us a wonderful dinner and then Charlie had to go to basketball practice so Grandma Sherry (my mom) came over and held Elliot while I got some rest.

Our first night home again was much smoother than the one right after leaving the hospital. Elliot slept well, going three and then four hours between feedings - giving mom & dad some good rest. It certainly made the next morning feel like a fresh start for all of us!

Elliot had his first doctors appointment on the  Monday after his birth. We waited 45 minutes in the waiting room which was frusterating, but our little man slept the whole time so that was a relief. It was moms first trip out since giving birth and though a little shaky I did fine. The doctor checked him and was pleased with how healthy he was. There was no need to check for jaundice and he was 7lbs 5.5oz. which means he’s been eating great  - yeah!

Over the next few days I slowly recovered and Charlie and I were able to take care of Elliot on our own again and I was able to do things on my own. It had been so wonderful to have our families help us out - I’m so grateful that God gave us such caring people for parents. I only hope we can be as good to our own children. Ironic that before I had him I felt like I wanted to do everything on my own - and didn’t want a lot of help - but yet I needed more help than most people and it was suprisingly easy to accept - I knew I needed it and was just so relieved to have caring people to take care of us.

In the morning when I got back into bed after going to the bathroom the feeling of being about to pass out hit again - and this time I couldn’t come out of it. I felt extremely lightheaded - the room was fuzzy and I felt very weak - my mom came over and fed me gatorade and yogurt while I lay in bed. Finally we called the doctor and they said to call 911 and to to the ER. So I had my first ambulance ride - right back to the hospital.

It was a long 13 hour stay in the emergency room. They did a million tests on me. Including 3 cat scans with iodine contrast because they kept screwing up. Finally I had to have a nuclear radioactive test on my lungs because they suspected possible blood clots. It was a scary day too - I was scared of passing out again, and all the post partum hormones hit and several times I felt like I was having a panic attack - I felt just so afraid and I thought I would never be able to do all the things I would need to do as a mom. The psychological and the physical side effects were hitting hard. All the while - Elliot was a dream. Mom & Charlie helped me nurse him on the tiny gurney all day long, and in between eating he would sleep on mom’s chest - he hardly uttered a sound the whole time - what a trooper he was.

I was able to overcome my fears with assurance from the doctors, as well as a lot of prayer - God really met me that day and gave me a peace that I couldn’t have had on my own. He flooded my mind with verses about Him never leaving me, and he assured me that He had Elliot in His hands - I had to just trust in Him. I spent all the time during my cat scans just praying and repeating precious promises from the Bible. It was after this time that I was able to let go of my fears and realize that everything would be okay - no matter what the results of all the tests, because God was taking care of all of us.

Fortunetly there were no clots - I just had very low iron, potassium and who know’s what else. They put me on a bunch of suplaments and sent me home.

Although, because of the tests I had undergone I wasn’t able to nurse Elliot for 24 hours. I had to pump and throw out the milk, while he had formula. In many ways it was a blessing. My breasts were sore from feeding him and I was too tired to spend time getting him to latch. I was able to sleep a lot during the next 24 hours and Elliot was well taken care of by his grandparents while Charlie took care of me.

We all went and stayed at my in-laws house because I was too weak to do much at all by myself and Charlie couldn’t take care of both of us at once. It wasn’t easy not being able to take care of my son, but I had total trust in my parents and in Charlie’s and I knew he was going to be just fine. Charlie was amazing, I literally couldn’t even walk to the bathroom so he had to do everything for me, and he did it all without a hint of anything but absolute love for me. I knew Charlie would always take care of me, but I’d never been in such need and I was just blown away by his care for me.

our first night back was not the easiest. I think the circumsision must’ve caused him some pain because he cried a lot and it was hard to get him to go to sleep. Neither one of us slept much. I don’t remember much about that night now, just that we were so tired - going on just a couple hours of sleep and having gotten home at 8:00 at night we didn’t really have any daytime to settle in - just jumped right into a long night. Next time I will leave the hospital in the morning, it would be better to settle in at home during the daytime.

Once I was stiched up and Elliot was checked by the pediatritian they moved us back to our room in the hospital. They let me nurse him almost immediately. I was so pleased with how quickly he began sucking. It was amazing to watch this little boy who had been inside of me for the past nine months. Shortly after we got back to our room our families began to arrive - it was so much fun to show him off and to let everyone hold him. I called some friends and shared my story, it was like a big party for a while as everyone was catching up on our story and watching Elliot. After everyone left we had some family time just the three of us, it was very special and I felt so close to Charlie, not just husband and wife anymore, but parents.

We had a few more visitors that night & then the nurse came in and gave him a bath. After that she took me to the bathroom. When I sat up in bed she had me wait a minute to see if I felt okay - I did, so we proceded, but after going to the bathroom the room began to fade from my vision & I told her that I was going to pass out. The next thing I know I’m at a carnival, and then I woke up to Charlie’s calls for help for more nurses. I had fainted - I woke up, but everything was still hazy and I felt like I was going to pass out again at any second - they used the ammonia stuff to wake me and boy is it STRONG - it had me gagging more than breathing. Everything finally came clear and I was able to make it back to bed. I have always been terrified of passing out, fearing that I might die if I did and never wake up (silly, I know) but they assured me it was normal for this to happen.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful, we took turns holding Elliot & he nursed well. I didn’t sleep much. When I wasn’t feeding him I was staring at his beautiful face. I wasn’t in much pain, just a little sore, but they gave me wonderful ice packs that were very soothing. It hurt to sit down after standing up,  but other than that it wasn’t bad. I drank gallons of cranberry juice and had to go to the bathroom a lot - each time with help b/c of my fainting episode.

The next morning we were moved to a much tinier room because the maternity ward was very full. When the doctor came to check on me he said that I was aneimic & to take some iron, but I could go home that day if I wanted. Because our new room didn’t even have a place for Charlie to sleep we thought it would be good to just go home. I should’ve known better after fainitng once that it might be better to stay, but I felt okay so I didn’t think of it.

We had some visitors during the day which was nice because it was a little boring just sitting in the tiny room. We did get to meet with the lactation consultant and she was very impressed with Elliot’s latch and said she had no worries about our breastfeeding success. This was wonderful news since it was something I really wanted to do.

Later in the evening Elliot was circumsized and brave Daddy actually watched the whole thing! It was a pretty crazy thing to hear Charlie describe how they do it - and I won’t go into it here, but let’s just say it’s a pretty complicated procedure and they use like 20 different tools. Elliot came back from it just fine though - didn’t seem to be hurting.

They helped us pack up, took his pictures and sent us on our way. The feeling of being wheeled out of the hospital down to the parking lot was similiar to how I felt walking down the isle at my wedding or accross the stage at graduation - a huge sense of awe and pride - we finally made it!

Elliot George Konoske

Born May 18, 2005

7 pounds 8 ounces

21 1/2 inches long

Wow, I knew it would feel wonderful, I knew I would love it, but I had now idea how much. I can’t imagine being any more in love with Elliot or with Charlie for that matter. Watching him be a dad is amazing as well. I just had to continue journaling, it’s such a wonderful way to save the past from lost memories.