a journey in motherhood

Now that I’m staying home I can do what I want when I want - in a way. I must take care of Elliot, keep my house clean, laundry done and make dinners - but other than that I must decide what to do with all my time. Part of me doesn’t want to commit to anything at all so that I can “play” whenever I want to. But I need to do things of significance and meaning, and not just be on “vacation” forever. Not that those things aren’t significant, Elliot of course is extremely significant and taking care of my home is a ministry to my family, but I am still left with a good amount of time to do other things with my son. I’m joining a Mom to Mom group that meets 3 Wednesdays a month, I’m going through a weekly dicipleship program through our church with a woman who is a mom of 4. And I’m joining the Women’s Missionary Fellowship who meet once a month. I feel that the Mom to Mom group will be good for me socially to get together with other moms and provide friendships for Elliot, the dicipleship will encourage my personal walk with God, and the Missionary Fellowship will help missionaries and also help me to keep my mind on the big picture, not just my little world here. I also think that these will bring some good structure to my stay-at-home life, but still giving me plenty of time to do things as they come up.

There’s nothing more important in my role as a mom than directing my child to Christ. To lead him in a way that he will one day confess his sin to God and accept Jesus sacrifice and free gift therefore making God ruler of his life. How do I do this? I cannot imagine what it may be like to have a child who is not saved, I can’t even go there with my heart or mind. Yet I don’t have ultimate control. What do I do and not do as a parent to lead him to the truth? How do I keep him interested but not bore him or over-do it and push him the other way? I realize there is no perfect formula and there is no guarantee, I must live my life in a way that glorifies Christ first, putting Charlie second, and my children third. Pointing them to the loving father by being an example - not simply by doing the right things and avoiding the wrong, but by loving God and living solely for Him, and trusting Him to call my children to Him.

I sometimes lay in bed at night thinking of my precious son and all the things that may happen to him, some awful things that I hope will never happen, like drowning or getting lost, but then other things like getting picked on at school or getting picked last to be on a team or getting sick, or getting his heart broken, or getting into trouble, one day this kid is going to lie to me, or steal something…and my heart is going to break. I get this almost suffocating overwhelming feeling, like “what have I done?” I’ve now opened myself up to more pain that I could ever imagine. It hurt before when I wondered if I’d ever have a baby make it through a pregnancy, but now that he’s here it might actually hurt worse. Wow. I would never change it but I guess you never know how vulnerable your heart is until it’s cherished a child in a world that is doomed to hurt them somehow. Does God really love me they way I love Elliot? Even more than that…wow. Have my parents really loved me the way I love Elliot? So that means they hurt so badly when I was hurt or when I chose wrong, and they actually felt this much joy when they held me in their arms and good things happened to me? wow. God does love me and so do they, I just never had a way of knowing how much, until now.

or so they think.

“I think he’s hungry”

“he’s hot in those clothes”

“his tummy is hurting him”

“he must have gas”

“he needs to eat”

“did he eat enough?”

“I think he’s still hungry”

while all in good meaning it sometimes feels like everyone second guesses me and decides for themselves what Elliot needs or is feeling. It’s natural response I know - I mean what do you say when you’re holding a baby and they start to fuss? But from a mom’s standpoint it is kinda anoying. I know my son better than everyone else and I’m pretty sure that he just ate, he just wants to suck on his fingers, he’s not too hot or too cold, he would be fussing if he were, his tummy might hurt, but really he’s just getting tired right now. TRUST ME, if I don’t know what is wrong, but I think you do, I’ll ask. not to be rude or anything.

Edited to add:

I realize this was a rude post and I probably could’ve skipped saying it all. Afterall, Idon’t mind at all when people ask “is he hungry?” or “is he tired?” just those that insist on what is wrong can bother me, but it’s probably just my silly insecurity that let’s it get to me, so I’m sorry.

That’s because this last week we left Elliot in the nursery. Up till now we’ve kept him with us during the service, but it’s been very difficult to pay both attention to the message and to Elliot. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to leave him but when we checked out the nursery I was reassured. I knew one of the ladies and my mom knew both of them, they were very sweet and didn’t hesitate when I explained about his cloth diapers. I did miss him, but it did feel good to be able to give more attention to the pastor and Elliot did just fine. It was actually a big “I’m really a mom” moment when we went to pick him up. Made me feel all grown up and stuff I’ve also decided to sign up to be on the rotation to help out in the nursery - after having one of my  own I’m more confident of taking care of little ones, plus I’ll be able to be around some babies older than Elliot to see what’s comming!

I told people that my friend Beka was visiting me from the internet - because that’s where I met her. We met online in a buddy group about two and a half years ago and became fast friends. She and her husband Dan are also believers and we hit it off, corresponding via email sometimes multiple times a day. Dan just finished taking the Bar exam and they were taking a vacation to Oregon, but just to meet us (and I’m sure mostly Elliot) they flew here first, rented a car and drove to Oregon. We had a great time meeting in person, it was so nice to see her face to face and give a real hug. I’m praying her and Dan become parents very soon!

Last Friday Elliot and I hosted a pool party for our friends. I had several girlfriends & their kids come. We had a blast. Everyone brought their own luch & we shared snacks. Elliot spent the whole day in the pool - except for a few naps in a pool toy under the umbrella. He’s become quite accustom to swimming and it’s a great way to deal with the heat. Natania and Becky came and we got some really great shots of the cousins together. It was such fun, we’re doing it again next Friday!